My God, by
whatever name, is best remembered when I am afraid; when I am apprehensive,
uncertain; scared; when I am in need.
As soon as he
lifts me out of the pits of despair or pulls me back from the brink of panic,
His presence fades away. Even a temporary respite from anxiety is enough for me
to put Him back into the darker closets of my consciousness, to be retrieved
only when I-I-I-I am in need again.
And then again I
grovel and squirm and beg and beseech.
Yes, I deserve
the bad times. I need them.
My God, by
whatever name, is also remembered when I am overwhelmed; when the beauty of a
moment is beyond the comprehension of thought limited by words; when Feelings
hold sway; when the desire to express is overshadowed by Wonder - and I feel, I
absorb, I imbibe, I dissolve, I die.
At such times
there is a magic working which belittles Me, negates Me, dissolves Me, finishes
Me.
And when I am
not, He is.
And I Wonder, I
Wonder, I Wonder. And again I melt and lose my form and flow, this time in a
great flood of Feeling; of not having to be in control; of knowing in my heart
that He is.
I must learn to
scale it all down. I must learn to tone down my apprehensions and believe –
know - that He is in control. I must learn to lean on Him, trust in Him. I
could do that so easily with my father when I was a child…. When did I grow up?
I must learn to
scale it down; to not be so full of myself; to not let those warped concepts of
responsibility and guilt and failure fool me into thinking that I care more
than He does.
It’s His world.
It’s His game.
I must appreciate
my part in the game. It’s such a complex drama; each individual thinks that he
is at the centre of the plot, the kingpin; the purpose of it all.
That is it, the
complexity is so simple!
My role is
perfect, as is everyone else’s, because the whole plot is Perfection itself.
I need to scale
it down, this being blinded by the towering mountains of my own problems,
needs, desires, fears, apprehensions.
The only
difference between Man and God seems to be Time. My problems and dreads are BIG
to me because they are defined by time; my perspective is bound by the passage
of hours or days or years. Therefore I have targets and deadlines and needs and
fears, because I have everything but T-I-M-E.
And God? God is
God because he is not strangled by an ever-tightening noose of time. He is
eternal. His game is eternal. This plot is eternal.
It is time to
turn away from this hysterical contest with Time. It is time to stop and stare.
It is time to be awed and overwhelmed more easily. It is time to appreciate
more of that which I take for granted. It is time to see the beauty in the
‘small things’ more readily.
It is time to
turn my back upon ‘my problems’ as easily as I choose to forget His blessings.
It is time to be
happy… regardless …irrespective….notwithstanding….
